Cup of Idiocy (Doug's Old Home Movies)
Policeman (vo): The video you're about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the embarrassed. NC: And that's one of the reasons I'm not reviewing these home movies. Yeah, I know. I know it's one of the main reasons you bought the DVD, but I don't care. I know you wanna see if Mara fucking Wilson was right that these videos were just as embarrassingly stupid as you think they are, but I'm not doing it. You wanna know why? Because you can take away my dignity, but there's one thing you cannot take away from me. My dignity! Black Willy Wonka: Oh, no. This simply won't do at all. And you. You worked hard to pay for this DVD. You should be rewarded by seeing this asshole get some of his own medicine. Well, through the magical powers I suddenly decided that I have, we're going to alter his memory so he doesn't realize that he's watching himself in these videos. That'll teach him to be a douchemaker. Incidentally, I have nothing against people who make douches. Your work is appreciated. NC: There's no way that I'm- what the hell? That was weird. Hey, who's that jackass on the TV? I wanna make fun of him. NC (vo): Yeah, this is a video series made by a group of sixth-graders--no, really, they're actually sixth-graders--known as Cup of Idiocy. I suppose they were trying to do something similar to Monty Python or Saturday Night Live, but it comes out more like a snuff film to comedy. And I know it's mean to pick on a bunch of 12-year olds who were just trying to entertain themselves... NC: ...but that's how Nazi Germany started...or I just went to a really bad school. But, nevertheless, I am making fun of this. So, let's look at the fruits of obviously very little labor, this is Cup of Idiocy. NC (vo): The video opens up with a disclaimer. Young Doug: What you are about to see is not true. NC: Thanks for that. So they- (Young Doug starts acting crazy) NC (vo, as announcer): This bizarre mental breakdown is brought to you by Ritalin. Parents, if you're not sure, just give it to them anyway. NC (vo): Their first section is called Battle of Stupidity, where a news report seems to be going on. Reporter: I'd like to turn over the report to our other weatherman- (Smash cut to a kid who seems to be mumbling) NC: I'll just assume this is the other weatherman. Other Weatherman: I think I could have prevented...but they didn't believe me. NC (vo): Incredible green screen technology, as you can see. I think they went to a whole 16 and a half bits for this. NC (vo): Obviously they got the cameraman for Hunger Games on this one. NC (vo): But suddenly, the news report is interrupted by aliens. Alien: I let out control of your TV set. Are you receiving me? Yes, we are aliens. We plan to destroy all of you. NC (vo): Boy, am I glad they had that disclaimer, because, by God, I'd be fleeing into the streets right now! I mean, look at that alien dental work. And that alien scotch tape that I'm sure stops their alien eyes from blinking. Oh, and, of course, the little alien pubic beard growing all around that alien acne. NC: Yet, to their credit, they are more intimidating than the Psychlos from Battlefield Earth. Alien: Right now, we are destroying your communications system. NC: Whoa, whoa! I'm sorry, that was a little too real there. NC (vo): We then get a transmission from their planet, Cookie-blum--hey, something's gotta replace Pluto--where they receive a message from their leader, Voltar. NC: A curious-looking race. NC (vo): Now I know it's hard to tell, I was pretty amazed when I heard the news too, but apparently, the exact same kid doing the puppeteering for Voltar is also doing his voice and the voice of the other person talking. NC: But it's done so flawlessly you would never be able to tell. Watch and marvel. Alien: No, Voltar, we're not using your expensive cameras to film on an earthly broadcasting system. Alien: No, we did not switch your TVs... NC: All one person. Amazing. Alien: Yes, we did switch the TVs in your room so that you would a blinking...um...blinking TV. NC: God, it just seems like 2 totally different people. Alien: It's easier for us to speak into English and for you to speak into English. NC: Must have taken...two, maybe three minutes of preparation on absolute master. NC (vo): They convince Voltar to speak English with a slight on-again, off-again lisp so they can have a better idea of understanding their mission. Voltar: You must contact a human being and teleport him onto the SpaceQuest. Okay? Teleporting...now! NC: Voltar seems to have blackouts every once in a while too. Voltar: As soon as I push that green button, a human will teleport. NC (vo): Move to the right--there you go. NC (vo): They beam a guy, apparently making love to a body pillow on board, who, apparently, doesn't like being on a spaceship that looks eerily similar to a 90s kid's bedroom. Voltar: Do you have any objections? Whooooa, you have been a bad boy. NC: Warning: this scene gets a little graphic. Voltar: Woo-hoo! NC: If I had a nickel for every time a disembodied head said, "Woo-hoo", I'd have to question how I got to that scenario. NC (vo): The aliens watch in horror as their beheaded master slowly fades away. Voltar: Tell little Timmy...I won't be able to come to Christmas this Summer. And this fall...and Easter...I won't be able to lay too many eggs. I'll be dead! NC: Oscar ballots are in the mail, folks. Vote wisely. Voltar: And make sure you get your $54,000 to each and everyone of O.J. Simpson's children. NC (vo): I know I'm supposed to laugh at that topical joke, but am I the only one just wondering who the fuck Karen is? Alien: Nooooooooooooo! NC: Really, you dubbed that line? How the fuck hard is it to say "no"? Unless you're Nicholas Cage offered a movie role! Swish! Alien: Your pitiful planet is about- NC (vo): So it's revealed that it's all just a big hoax and...the story ends. NC: What a twist! NC (vo): We then get what they call a pointless moment. NC: Well it definitely delivered what it promised. Can we see that Ritalin ad again? Yeah, yeah, just a healthy reminder, folks. NC (vo): We then cut to our next long-winded skit called The Unfit Firing Squad. This opens in 1492 where Queen Victoria...clearly played by a young man trying to figure things out, does her daily knighting. NC: Well, by his constant blinking, the fact that that was a very sharp piece of plastic, I'd say he's definitely dead. NC (vo): So she decides instead to knight... Chester?! NC: Chester, is that you?! Chester: Maybe. NC: What the hell are you doing in this? Chester: I told you I had a checkered past as a child actor. NC: Oh. And then you derailed into a life of drugs? Chester: No, this is the regular route most child actors take. NC: Ah. Chester: Actually, I'm doing better than most. NC: Wow, he almost came out of the screen and actually ate me there. NC (vo): Ah, yes, the Royal Gun. I don't know why most hierarchies don't have royal guns by their thrones. But, unfortunately, the knighting has screwed up the order of things, so the queen orders a random person to be executed instead. NC: Hey, come on, is this Britain or Texas? NC (vo): We then take a break for yet another pointless moment. NC: I'm just gonna start on the apology that all of you deserve. NC (vo): They bring the guy out to be executed where I guess we're introduced to our unfit firing squad. What are they gonna do, lightly dampen his clothes to death? Young Doug: I am Humpty Dumpty. NC: Good start. Young Doug: I like wearing women's clothing. It is fun. NC: I'm learning so much today. I mean, here I thought Humpty Dumpty was an egg with balancing issues. But, no, it's clearly a prepubescent Austrian who likes to crossdress. Change the story you tell your kids, I think this one'll hold up better. NC (vo): Okay, there's clearly a Mother Goose motif going on. Let's just see what it's all leading up to. NC: Humpty Dumpty, Little Bo Peep, Trigger-Happy Mac. You're free to make sense of that all you want, I'm just going to pray for us as a species. Yeah, it's me again. Just saying sorry. NC (vo): They accidentally end up shooting each other, which is no big shock, I'm surprised they remember to breathe, with the prisoner hopping away. The credits roll, with a special thanks to Voltar, because, clearly, he was the one holding the glue together. NC: I think they're getting way too much fun out of that thing. NC (vo): The next sketch begins with a ribbon show, or as the kids like to say... Kid: RIBBON SHOW! NC (vo): You know a real ribbon show would've been nice? Half of you wear women's clothing, surely one of you knows how to put one on. We then get a talk show called The Late Late So Late It's Early Show, with a character named Dobie Dickens, which I can't decide if that's a name from Oliver Twist or a porno movie. NC: Well, I'll give it this: It did predict YouTube very well. NC (vo): We then cut to a superhero named Johnan, the only hero to incorporate a Marvin the Martian T-shirt on his uniform, and also, maybe the only one to have the Chipmunks sing his theme song. NC: Is it too late to request a Mental Health Day instead of reviewing this? NC (vo): Johnan comes across the evil Tint King, who knocks him out. NC (vo): Okay, they clearly like this high-pitched singing a little too much. It's like speeding up Let It Go, playing it backwards, and then spitting it out the Devil's butt! NC: What am I talking about? That could be a hit today. NC (vo): They then have a commercial for something called The Last Man on Earth. NC: A reference that'll never date. NC: You know at times, I wanna ask why, but then I ask myself why am I even asking why? NC (vo): This leads, of course, to the thrilling conclusion of Johnan. I know you're all at the edge of your fucking seats. NC: Not since Walter White has there ever been a transformation more disturbingly in-depth. NC (vo): Seriously, Anakin Skywalker had more development than that. NC (vo): We finally end up with their last sketch, The Last Man on Earth. Well, good. Let's see what they've been building up here. NC: Could you meet the accommodations for the apocalypse? NC: Way to go out on a high note, guys. Cup of Idiocy! NC (vo): I know its just kids messing around with a camera but its still so painful to watch! Couldn't they have had some discipline, some effort, some semblance of logic to entertain who was unfortunate enough to come across this? Obviously not and we're the ones paying for it today! NC: I mean come on. Even at that age, who would be stupid enough to actually think that was any good? Black Willy Wonka: Well... you would, Critic. NC: Black Willy Wonka, what the fuck are you talking about? NC: Will you stop doing that? Wait a minute. I suddenly remember. I was the idiot who filmed all that!! Black Willy Wonka: That's right, Critic. Everyone's talent starts from somewhere and your's starts from the most embarrassing of beginnings. Ever! NC: My God, I had such a different outlook after you altered my mind like that. Black Willy Wonka: And what outlook is that, Critic? NC: Well, I guess... if we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended. That you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear. And this weak and idle theme, no more yielding but a dream. Gentles do not reprehend. If you pardon, we will me- Black Willy Wonka: I never really cared for rap lyrics. Young Doug: I like wearing women's clothing. It is fun. 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